9 out of 10 studies of an undetermined amount of non-specific focus groups suggest something vague and inconclusive about violence in games
Elderly politicians are fumbling around in what unspecified experts are calling a frantic attempt to look busy, following a study that has inconclusively linked video games to violence for about the tenth time in the last 20 years.
This comes as a result of a recent study of studies by the Department of Kids These Days in collaboration with the National Committee for Concerned Moms. The study, which covers the last 10 studies of an undetermined amount of non-specific groups, suggests that there’s something vague and inconclusive about violence in imaginary worlds being linked to real world events.
“It’s terrible,” said Linda Belinda, head of the Department of Kids These Days. “First it was movies, then Elvis, and now it’s these video games that all age groups are playing – it’s about time we took a serious look at how freedom of expression harms unstable individuals and how we can apply restrictions to all individuals nationwide.” Belinda spoke to Vagary.TV at a lavish banquet hall after giving a speech on how art can damage a child’s mind.
Federal government is taking notice. Assistant to the Regional Manager of America, John Bieberman, is conducting an ongoing panel discussion in the White House with representatives from the games industry and concerned, graying politicians. “Frankly, I’m quite alarmed,” said Bieberman. “Why, just the other day I found out about these games people are playing. Did you have any idea that you get to harm imaginary people in these imaginary worlds? It’s about time people can look to the government to help people who don’t consume interactive media moderate the lives of those that do. If we don’t, who else will?”
“It’s about time we took a serious look at how freedom of expression harms unstable individuals and how we can apply restrictions to all individuals nationwide.”
Vagary.TV Fake News Friday reporters spoke to the other side of the panel. Robby Rippletaco, CEO of Alectronic Artovision, said he was happy to have a meeting with policy makers. “I’m glad they’ve finally taken notice of our industry,” he said. “I totally understand their position, and who can blame them? Being thwarted by Dee Snider in the ’80s took a lot out of them, so we can totally understand why it’s taken this long for video games to be up for the approval of old people.”
One anonymous game journalist was overhead speaking to a group of fellow game journalists as they nodded their heads while looking at the floor. “Well, we need to have this conversation,” he said. “We need to help these policy makers understand that graphic and mature content really is subject to an approval process on a government level by entertaining the notion and ignoring our constitutional rights. It’s important to compromise.”
In his address to the media last month, Bieberman spoke on the progress of the panel. “I’m dead set on keeping this issue on the forefront of national news and political debates until people find something else to blame for their actions.” Rippletaco agreed, telling Vagary.TV reporters that “sooner or later, it’ll all blow over and creative people can continue making dump trucks of money right under Hollywood’s nose.”
Note: Fake News Fridays uses invented names, statistics, and facts and is to be interpreted as parody and satire. Any use of the real names of people, places, or organizations is coincidental and accidental.