Solid Gold Box Quotes

Judging by the reactions to my last column, many of you question my credibility as a writer. And truthfully, I agree. My goal as a blogger has never been to reach the pinnacle of literary excellence. Prestige is for sissies, and last I checked, I don’t wear a sweater-vest or listen to Bon Iver. No, dear reader, my dreams are more shallow: to become a professional box quote writer.

Box quotes, for the uneducated, are the little blurbs you find on the back (or front) of a video game or movie case. They generally read something like this: “A roller-coaster thrill ride of epic proportions” says this asshole, from this stupid site you never visit.

To be box quoted, is to be singled-out as the voice of reason when trying to sway consumers into blind buying a product. Unsure if Madeas’s Witness Protection is for you? Perhaps some high praise from Ain’t It Cool‘s Moriarty will change your mind.

To be fair, I don’t read The New York Times, Rolling Stone, Us Weekly – or anything for that matter – and yet I’ve rightfully inferred that these are places of intellectual importance. After all, why else would they be constant sources for box quoting.

Notice how I didn’t phrase that last sentence as a question. That’s because I made it a statement. Because it’s true.

Somewhat disappointingly, I have yet to have a quote of mine immortalized in print. I suspect because my critical nuggets are often sandwiched among waves of pointless words and grammatical errors. So in an attempt to fast-track my career, I’ve decided to post a few choice quotes, already formatted and ready for publishing.

You’re welcome, America:


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Author: Paul Stachniak View all posts by
Paul Stachniak is a freelance writer and former correspondent for The Space Channel. He often says things people disagree with. He can be twittered @paulstachniak.